Thursday, September 22, 2005

3 more years

Chimpy McAsshat has been in office for damn near 5 years. Its amazing how much can change in that small amount of time. For example, 5 years ago I read the news maybe like once a month. I didn't have to pay attention. Bill was too busy getting blow jobs to fuck up the world. And good for him.

I was watching Resident Evil 2 the other night. If you're not familiar, its one o those dead people walking around eating live people kinda movies. (And had hot chicks with guns, if you're into that kind of thing. Which I am.) Anyways, so I'm watching this movie and its scaring the shit out of me. Not cause zombies are creepy, I been watching horror movies since age 11 and it takes a lot to freak me out. See, I'm scared silly because I realize that if something were to happen, some big bad unknown, no one is coming to save me. A flood, tornado, terrorist attack, zombies, whatever. I'm on my own. And so are you.

After Katrina, I heard a whole lot of people defending FEMA, saying that it wasn't the federal goverments job, the locals fucked up, yadda yadda yadda. Newsflash- I don't care. The governments purpose is to keep us safe. That's what we pay them for. We lost an entire fucking city. Gone. Poof. While Chimpy vacationed.

And now Rita's comin to town. I can't even imagine. And of course, the gov't is all over this one. All "Lookit! We can handle it! We bad!" I ain't buying it. In the past five years, we've seen the worst terrorist attack in our history. We were duped into a war that we can't win. We've seen people- OUR people- floating facedown in a toxic soup. Do you feel safer? Cause I sure as shit don't.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Never has bunny-boiling sounded so good

The darling girlfriend and I watched The Brown Bunny last night. Well, watched isn't really a good description. Endured maybe? Survived? Barely managed to get through without hurling?

Anyhoo, here's the synopsis from the official website:


The Brown Bunny is a love story. It's the story of one man's tragic loss of the love of his life. He is Bud Clay. And he races motorcycles. He rides in the 250cc Formula II class of road racing. Round and round he goes, repeating laps over and over until the race is over. The story begins with Bud racing in New Hampshire. Bud's next race is in California in five days. And so his journey begins across America. And every day Bud is haunted by the same memories of the last time he saw his true love. Bud will do anything to make those memories disappear. And every day he tried to find a new love. Making outrageous requests of women to come with him on his trip and then leaving them behind after they've agreed. He can't replace Daisy, the only girl he's ever loved and the only girl he will ever love. But every day he tries.

Now remember, this is from the official site. This is what's supposed to make you rush out and see the film. My first impression is that someone got their third grade nephew to write this crap, but after seeing the film, I can only assume it was the big boss himself, Mr. Vincent Gallo.

Gallo wrote the screenplay, but he didn't stop there. Oh no! He was also the director, producer, editor and cinematographer. And he starred in it too! You may be thinking "Wow, he must really be attached to this project, to put so much work into it!" And you'd be right. He is absolutely attached to this film. But more about that later.

So, we have motorcycle racing Bud traveling across the country brooding about his lost love. And that's exactly what you see. Long, drawn out shots of poor, lovesick Bud driving his van. Eating Chinese food. Driving some more. Looking pouty. And yes, more with the driving. And occasionally he meets a woman with a flowery name (Rose, Lilly, etc) and sort-of hits on her in a completely unbelievable clumsy way. Well, ok, the hitting-on is kinda believable, its the reaction he gets that is outside the realm of plausible. For example, here is a bit of conversation (paraphrased for your pleasure):

Bud: Hi gas station lady, whats your name?
Gas station lady: Its somestupidflowername. Do you race motorcycles?
Bud: I do! I'm going to California! Come with?
Stupidflowerlady: I don't even know you.
Bud: Please please please please?
Stupidflowerlady: oh, ok then.
*Insert random making out scene before Bud drives off without her*

Poor Bud! So alone! So misunderstood! And so he's off on his cross country trip. And we're treated to endless shots of the side of Bud's head while he drives. And broods. And drives some more. And then he meets stupidflower name #2. Make out. Leave. More driving. Repeat.

Finally Bud gets to California and rents himself a hotel room. And who shows up but his long lost one and only true love DAISY(played by Cloe Sevigny)! And they make small talk for a bit, until Daisy is no longer able to fight the pull of Vincent Gallo-I mean-Bud's! Mighty! Penis! and goes down on him in a major hard core porn kinda way. Minus the money shot cause apparently Chloe swallows. And then Bud goes all fetal and mumbles and cries and we find out that Daisy is actually dead, and she'd been unconscious and gang raped last time Bud saw her. And he left her there. His one true love. To be raped some more. Poor poor Bud.

As I said above, Mr. Gallo is very attached to this film. How else is he supposed to show the world how much he rocks? Or get laid? Seriously, Mr. Gallo's lack of sexual prowess has got to be behind this film. Has to be. I bet he was all "I make movies, and I have this really big penis, WHY DON"T THE GIRLS LIKE ME??? I know! I'll talk that Chloe chick into suckin me off ON FILM, pass it off as a hip, artsy, indie movie and all the art school girls will be LINING UP!*"

Do me a favor Vinnie. Next time, just buy a big mirror and jack off in front of that. Just don't film it for the love of Christ.

And Chloe- Chloe, Chloe, Chloe. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?

*Actually, this was the darling girlfriend's theory. She's smart like that. ;o)